8 Reasons Why Introverts Don't Like the LDS Church

I'm an introvert. For me, this means that I don't like to meet new people, spending lots of time with people exhausts me, and that I'd rather be at home. I only start talking a lot after I've really gotten to know a person, and I rarely ever talk in a large group. This isn't unusual - there are lots of introverts out there, and they've been speaking out more and more about it. Basically, introverts gather their energy from being alone, whereas extroverts gain energy from being with others.

Today, I realized just how much the culture and format of the Church does not cater to introverts. Really, this Church is made for extroverts. Here are a few of the ways I think this is the case:

1. There is a huge emphasis on fellowshipping. Part of your duty as a righteous member is to befriend others, especially those who are new, visiting, or less active. You're supposed to go right up to someone who looks lonely and start talking to them. Introverts don't like new people.
2. The other side of #1 is that if you look lonely, someone is going to try to fellowship you. This is only slightly better than the introvert having to muster up some courage to go and talk to someone else. But it also catches the introvert off guard. 
3. Church activities vary, but there always are sporting events. I hate this because I don't like sports, but also because, as an introvert, I tend to do better with activities where there are smaller amounts of people. Most church activities involve huge groups of people and events that are less intimate. 
4. Everyone in the Elders' Quorums and Relief Society is asked to be home teachers and visiting teachers. The assignment is to visit with other predetermined people in the ward, either by coming to their home, calling, or leaving some sort of message. Basically, it's concentrated fellowshipping. Again, for introverts, they both have to visit someone and be visited by people, both of which they aren't fans. It's a little easier because it's one-on-one, but it's still uncomfortable.
5. Mormons are huge on sharing their beliefs. They do so in missionary work, testimony meetings, etc. When it comes to missionary work, this means sharing something intimate with friends or complete strangers. In testimony meetings, you are asked to share your beliefs in front of the entire congregation from the pulpit as a way of strengthening those beliefs. For me, I'm not going to make myself vulnerable like that for crowds, friends with whom I've never had that type of relationship before, or complete strangers. It makes me very uncomfortable. 
6. The Church relies on a lot of volunteer work, or lay clergy. Since no one is paid to preach, members are asked to conduct meetings, give sermons, and prepare lessons. Again, this could be in front of the entire congregation (100+ people). This could also occur in smaller meetings, anywhere from 10 to 50 people. Because many introverts dislike public speaking, this is definitely more of an extroverted activity. 
7. Church culture encourages lots of displays of emotion. Feeling the Spirit is an overwhelming experience for many. It is very common to hear members cry or become emotional while they are doing any of the above activities: teaching, giving talks, bearing their testimonies, missionary work, etc. Introverts are not always comfortable with these occurrences, either seeing them or being asked to show powerful emotions themselves. Again, it puts them in a place of vulnerability, which they don't like. 
8. Similar to #6, members are frequently asked to pray in front of others. Mormons like to have prayers before meals with the family, morning and/or evening prayers with family, and prayers before and after each meeting (not including personal prayers). This combines introvert's dislike of public speaking and their discomfort with making themselves vulnerable by sharing something intimate. 

To me, it's pretty obvious that this church was set up by extroverts for extroverts. And these are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head - I'm sure there are more. Actually, many introverts may find these aspects of Church helpful, because they are learning to become more outgoing in a safe environment. But for many introverts, all of these items serve to alienate them in a culture that is very open, outgoing, and social - something that does not come naturally to me or other introverts. 

I'm also not sure what the Church should be doing to better include introverts. I would say for sure that some of our activities (dances, sporting events, etc.) should become more intimate and productive (honestly, anyone who isn't 16 is sick of those kinds of events anyway). 

But I do want to say that if you are an LDS introvert, you're definitely not alone. 

Thoughts? Comments? Disagreements? Observations? Praise? All are welcome in the comments below. 

Feminism Needs YOU

Hey everyone! I haven't written in a while because I finally got a job! It's pretty exciting, especially since I actually got a job in my field that I LOVE. Which means that I generally get all of my need to write satiated at work.

I've been reading Lean In by Sharyl Sandberg (finally!). Really, everyone should check this book out. I've seen some criticisms of it, but overall, it is a genius book. Women and men can really benefit from what she has to say.

I'm all hopped up on empowering feminist juices from reading it. Which is one reason I really love feminism, by the way - it's so empowering! I really feel like I can conquer the world after reading feminist books like this one. So I start thinking, everyone I know should read this. My little sister, who is also growing into feminism, should definitely read this. You see, I kind of feel like a feminist mentor to my sister. Obviously, I'm not the ultimate feminist, but I know much more about it than she does. And she's not as eager to dive into the deep end as I am.

To be honest, my sister began embracing feminism because of me. I'm not saying this to brag or anything. I started a Pinterest board dedicated to feminism, and she saw the images. Some of the things I shared about fat-shaming and body acceptance really spoke to her. She decided to reject all of the societal pressures that made her feel inadequate when it came to her appearance (it's a journey, of course, but that decision is the first and most important step). Eventually, after learning that she liked this part of feminism, she slowly started to listen to and adopt others.

She is not the only one. I'm obviously not a huge star on the Internet, but I can say that I have influenced others to similarly embrace or publicize their feminism. I have had two women actually tell me this, thanking me for my bravery in sharing feminist messages online. I've seen a few other women who are following me start their own Pinterest boards dedicated to feminism, re-pinning some of the material that I first pinned.

Again, not bragging - I'm not sure if my addiction to social media is something to brag about (though it did help me get my job!). But there are two takeaway messages in this random post:

1. Share your feminism! I promise it'll be worth it. It hasn't always been easy to me - I've had people argue with me over the things I've posted, people stop following me, old acquaintances see me in a different light, etc. But I feel that the few people I have influenced are worth it. 
2. Online activism is important. It may not be as dramatic or difficult as marching in the streets, but it can be very powerful in a different way. Sometimes, people aren't going to be swayed by protestors, though they make a very impacting statement. But you will be able to reach those who are open to new ideas, if only the ideas are presented in the right way for them to digest. Really, there's a lot more someone can learn from reading an article or personal experience than a demonstration. Not to put down traditional activists - they are, of course, doing amazing and awe-inspiring work. I'm just saying that not all of us are cut out for doing that kind of thing, and we shouldn't feel guilty because we can do amazing things digitally. 

So be a feminist! Share the empowerment with other women! 

What your clothing "says" about you

Lately, in my internet sphere, there has been this kind of "war" about modesty. There are those who say modesty is important because it shows self-respect and keeps a man from having sexual thoughts about you - and there are those who say that modesty is all well and good, but doing it for the sake of others' is not the right way to go about it.

I think you can guess by now that I'm clearly in the second camp. I wrote about it last year here. You should also check out this great post by another Mormon feminist here; this one is responding to a video that's been making the rounds by Jessica Rey, creator of a "modest" swimsuit line.

One comment the above blog post ("To Every One That Believeth." Not my blog.) was something about what we were "says" something to everyone around us.

Actually, what she said was this:

Of course, I replied something snarky and said she must be exhausted all of the time from "evaluating" and "assessing" people. Although, I truly believe that this lifestyle does sound exhausting. You're already running errands, working, going to school, and trying to have fun - so while you're doing that, you're also turning your head every way to look at people, see what they're wearing, and judge them based on something as shallow as their clothing? 

The idea that a person "says" something with their clothing comes from pure commercialization. When you shop at Urban Outfitters, you're saying you're quirky and a hipster. When you shop at American Eagle, you're saying that you're preppy. But who decides that? The stores do. The commercials do. The commercials convince you that you need to represent yourself a certain way, specifically their way. And that way, you aren't going from store to store finding items that you like, but you're staying at one store and spending all of your money there. They've got you hooked. 

And are we really "saying" something with our clothes when we all shop at the same prescribed stores anyway? A store produces thousands, millions of the same exact item every time it creates a new piece of clothing. The chances of you running into someone wearing the same shirt as you is actually pretty high. So why do we think that we're "saying" anything unique with our clothing when we clearly have very little say in it anyway? 

Lastly, this is such an unreliable method to get to a decision anyway. Most of the time when you judge someone based on their clothing choices, you are wrong. What about the athletes who sexually assault women? The businessmen who embezzle? In my high school, a group of about 20 of the good-grade-honors-students-teachers'-favorites-athletes-who-got-into-good-colleges weren't allowed to walk at graduation because they got drunk on their way to prom and assaulted a police officer. Last week in the grocery store, despite the fact that my hair was a mess and I was wearing my cleaning clothes (and a wedding ring), I got hit on when I didn't want to. Most of the time when you try to "interpret" someone's clothing, you're going to get it wrong. 

From there, it's a slippery slope into victim blaming. That woman was wearing a low cut shirt and short skirt, which we all know means that she's "saying" she wants sex, so isn't it her fault that someone decided to "listen" to her clothing and not her words? Doesn't that make it her fault she was raped? 

No. It never does. Never ever ever. 

The same thing applies to women in bikinis. This woman, and many other champions of "modesty," are presuming that a woman who wears a bikini is doing it for the sexual attention she will attract. What we should be doing is thinking that maybe a woman in a bikini is wearing it because that is what she is most comfortable in, and she really doesn't care who looks at her. It's a cliche, but there's also that expression that we don't wear makeup for men, but for ourselves. Same thing with bikinis. 

Honestly, I really feel a lot of pity for this woman who posted the above comment. (Of course, I am judging her without meeting her and that's wrong, but ...) I can imagine that she is the type of woman who wakes up two hours before the crack of dawn because she can't stand to leave her house without her make up and hair done. And while many may think "oh, she's showing respect for those around her," really, she's just very insecure about herself. 

Mormon feminists and gender

So, I haven't written in a while, and I'm sorry about that. Things get crazy sometimes.

While you're here, check out THIS. It's a link to an interview I did with SLC feminist on MormonFeminist.org and being a Mormon feminist. Also, SLC feminist is an awesome blog run by an extremely cool person.

I wanted to talk about a problem/criticism I've been seeing a lot lately. Mostly, I've seen it in context with the idea of ordaining women (http://ordainwomen.org/). And it mainly comes from Mormons who don't understand what the purpose of Ordain Women is or what Mormon feminism is.

They seem to think that we want men and women to be exactly the same. I had an LDS woman (who will remain anonymous) recently say to me

"i think that there are specific qualities that Heavenly Father has blessed men and women with that compliment each other in their roles as family members. if He wanted one person to be able to make a family, He would have made one person. but He didn't, he made two different people that when together can make a family."

I've heard this a lot in various forms. Mostly commonly, I hear "equal does not mean exactly the same."

I'm not sure where this idea comes from that feminists want men and women to be exactly the same. I would say that I agree that equal does not mean exactly the same. Let's take the Civil Rights movement - everyone, no matter what color, was allowed to go to the same schools, have the same resources, have the same jobs, etc., but not every single person decided to make the same exact choices.

What feminists want is not for men and women to be exactly the same, but for society/religion/other outside influences to stop dictating what it is that men and women should be doing. For instance, in LDS culture, the man is the provider while the woman is the nurturer. LDS members who play into this idea usually believe that married couples are equal partners with very separate responsibilities.

Mormon feminists believe that men and women should not be forced into these very narrow roles. What about the men who want to be nurturers and the women who want to be providers? What about the women who do not feel like nurturing comes naturally to them, and vice versa?

I love the fact that I'm a woman. I love my breasts and curvy hips and vagina. I like not having a penis and testicles. I love the relationships I have with other women and the power I feel I have as a woman. I  hope to learn more about the spiritual nature of being a woman (of which I do believe growing a fetus inside of me can be a part). Because of my patriarchal blessing, I believe that my spirit has been anatomically female for as long as it has existed. I believe I will continue being anatomically female after I die (which is a very Mormon belief, I know).

I know that I have many talents, gifts, strengths, and weaknesses. But I also don't believe that any of those are inherently tied to my gender. I am not a good writer, friend, scholar, and leader because I am a woman - I am all of those things because I'm an individual human being. My husband has many of the same gifts and strengths as me, but also some very different ones. This is also not because he is a man, but because he is an individual. Together, we will make an awesome family because we do not see each other in categories, but as individuals.

So what Mormon feminists want is for you to stop saying that women are going to be better nurturers naturally while men are better providers naturally. Especially since this isn't always true. I myself do not feel comfortable around children at this point in my life. My husband, however, is great with kids, because he can make silly faces and do the funny voices. Telling me that I should be a natural nurturer is basically telling me that something is wrong with me. Which I don't believe.

We don't believe that men and women will morph into some androgynous or Barbie-doll-smooth-down-there mass if you get rid of gender roles. I don't think anybody wants that to happen.

We do believe that men and women will both benefit from the freedom of being able to make life and family choices based off of what their personal strengths and weaknesses are. And Mormon feminists do believe that it is important for couples to complement each other!

I understand that this idea might be confusing (and I'm not always the best at articulating, especially in a blog). Please, if you have any questions, feel free to comment below.

Thanks a bunch,
Ally

Self-Reliance Versus Charity

For the past few months, I've been working as a freelance writer for a food storage company. It's been a completely different experience for me - I've always found emergency preparedness and food storage boring before. Now, I actually find it quite interesting.

Frequently, I run into resources that are affiliated with the Church. The books I read are mainly written by authors living in Utah, website I come across are made by members, etc. I don't think you could be a prepper or survivalist without being aware of the Church's involvement with emergency preparedness.

It really shows this attitude that members of the Church have. Because the Church has constantly pushed emergency preparedness, members develop a deep appreciation for self-reliance. And I can understand that - I think it'd be awesome to grow my own food, be prepared for any type of emergency, have parts of my house run on solar power, grown-up stuff like that. Those are goals I want to achieve, for the sake of saving money, being environmentally friendly, convenience, and as activities that will make me feel good about myself. As soon as my husband and I are in the phase of home-ownership, that is.

You can also see how the self-reliance attitude enters in to all parts of members' lives. I always marvel at how many Latter-day Saints can be so conservative in their political beliefs when it seems like liberalism falls more in line with the charity of Jesus Christ. Of course, socially, stances on abortion and gay marriage are similar between LDS doctrine and conservatism. But I'm thinking more like socialized healthcare - aren't we supposed to be taking care of our neighbors without judgement? Of course, that is a different issue I don't want to get into now.

I just believe that the attitude of self-reliance and the attitude of constant charity clash. Members are so proud of self-reliance that they stop being charitable indiscriminately. A problem arrises when self-reliance becomes so important to members that they reject receiving or giving outside help in any areas of their lives. They start to decide that one group or person does not deserve their help or charity because they are homeless, they are immigrants, they have made poor life decisions, or they wear pajamas and eat McDonald's all of the time.

The attitude of self-reliance should not be one that interferes with Jesus's ultimate commandment, which is to love one another. When Christ says in Matthew 6:3

But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:

I have always interpreted that to mean that you must give indiscriminately. I grew up hearing the excuses of why you should not give to homeless beggars or panhandlers because they'll use the money for drugs or booze, or because they should be trying to find a job instead of wasting their time begging. I've heard that you should try to buy them a sandwich instead of giving pocket change (which isn't terrible, and probably is the option that most people feel comfortable with, including myself). But Jesus never said "only give to the people who you know will use it the way you want them to use it." He never had caveats. In fact, He's a big proponent of not judging anyone, remember? He only said give!

So to me, self-reliance means that you must have yourself and your family fully taken care of before you can fully give indiscriminately. Self-reliance means not making yourself someone in need of charity while you are trying to give charity yourself. It does not mean holding out or judging others.  

And, absolutely, self-reliance is not more important than charity.

Conference Weekend

Such an exciting weekend! So many things happened!!! And I was able to stay in my pjs in bed for all of them!

So first, TWO women prayed in General Conference!!! All you naysayers better shut up, because the bottom line here is that WOMEN PRAYED IN GENERAL CONFERENCE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ALL OF RECORDED CHURCH HISTORY. There are still some critics yelling at the contributors to the Let Women Pray movement about how we don't understand revelation, how the pray-ers were selected months ago, how God decides things and not us, blah blah blah. It's all a bunch of negativity, and whether or not those commenters are intending to, they're really tearing us down. Choosing to ignore and just celebrate.

Let's get a picture in here:

Second, a project I've been a part of just kicked off this weekend! The project is "I'm a Mormon feminist." We put together a website, http://mormonfeminist.org/, and we are gathering lots of submissions. We have pictures of Mormon feminists holding signs, profiles featuring Mormon feminists, and videos of Mormon feminists telling their stories. It's all pretty exciting.

If you want to extra support us, we also have a Facebook page, Twitter account, Pinterest account, and YouTube channel. We're all over the place!!!

Facebook: here

Twitter: here

Pinterest: here

YouTube: here

Like and share all of our stuff to spread the word!!!

This is me!!! And I am awesome!!!

And lastly: I was a guest blogger over at Young Mormon Feminists, which is just about the coolest thing ever. Young Mormon Feminists was one of my first introduction to Mormon feminism, and I really love them and everything they do. 

Check it out here!

So yay everyone! Happy MoFem/Conference weekend!!!

I'm an introverted feminist

I think one of the reasons why I'm a feminist is because I'm also very much an introvert. It's not obvious right away, but feminism actually tells you that it's okay to be an introvert. Here is a list of ways that feminism is inclusive of introverts.

I don't own this picture. Feel free to yell at me if it is yours.

1. Feminism teaches you that you do not have to talk to strangers if you don't want to. Especially men. You do not owe them anything, particularly not your comfort. You do not have to stand there and pretend to be nice. You can say, “I have to go,” or “I don't want to talk right now.” In response, the stranger might call you a bitch, but you'll know deep down that you aren't.

2. Have you ever hated it when someone tells you to smile? Like, what's so inherently worthwhile about a smile? Can't I sometimes be in a mood where I don't feel like smiling? Feminism tells you that you don't have to smile for anyone. You body is your own and is does not exist to please anyone else – this applies to simple smiles as well as sexual acts. People may think they're trying to brighten your day when they ask you to smile, but really, it's just another form of objectification. You do not exist to make anyone else happy.

3. What if a guy is hitting on you or trying to flirt with you? Feminism encourages you to ditch that guy, even if you have to be rude about it. Again, you don't owe him anything, except maybe a little common curtesy. Even then, you don't owe them common curtesy if they are being rude, overly aggressive, or making you feel uncomfortable.

4. I sometimes feel bad if I'm not being social enough, or if I think about how I don't have as many friends as other people. I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I wonder what's wrong with me that this comes so naturally to other people and not to me. Feminism is constantly trying to fight against the idea that there is one societal standard for how to act. Generally, they are fighting against gender roles, over-sexualization, modesty police, and other societal expectations, but the same logic still applies to introverts. You do not have to be extroverted. You should not feel bad because you are different from other people. Embrace who you truly are when society isn't telling you who to be!

5. Feminists believe there shouldn't be one standard for attractiveness. This applies to how you physically look, such as facial features, body weight, body hair, etc., but also applies to how you behave. You should not have to be overly flirty and friendly or hyper sexual in your actions to be attractive. If it isn't natural to you to behave that way, then don't. You're still attractive. Women and men who are super flirty and friendly are also attractive. There is no one way to act that makes you more attractive than others – unless you're like, being a racist dick or something.

6. Sometimes, being an introvert means you dress a certain way. Obviously, not all introverts dress a specific way. But sometimes I dress in a way that reflects the fact that I don't want any social interactions. Or just because it's comfortable. Feminism tells me that it's okay not to dress hyper-feminine, super fancy, or the way everyone else is dressing. Feminism also tells me it is okay to dress that way when I feel like it! I do not feel the need for makeup, doing my hair, or semi-presentable clothing most days. Some days, I don't even feel like getting out of my pajama pants. Whether or not that is a symptom of introversion, I feel supported by feminism when I make those choices.

To sum up, I believe that feminism teaches me that it's okay to be me. Feminism encourages me to do whatever the fuck makes me comfortable in my own skin. As an introvert, I really love feminism!

Sexytimes Language

Once upon a time, I was talking to my mom and my sister about sex. I can't remember exactly how the conversation went, but it was definitely about intercourse and sexytimes ("sexytimes" is my fun word for all the sexual experiences, or "play" as some people call it. I prefer to use it, personally, because it makes the whole experience sound more playful and it is more all-encompassing. I also think that maybe it is less heteronormative - definition found here - because of it's nature of including all types of sexual acts). 

Both my mom and sister are medical professionals (or future medical professionals, in the case of my little sister) and LDS. Because my mom has been a nurse for a very long time, she has always been very comfortable talking about sex and genitals with us. My sister, on the other hand, can be very uptight. I think because of her rigidity in Mormonism and some of her past experiences, she is extremely uncomfortable when sex comes up. 

I, on the other hand, love to talk about sex. I like hearing about others' experiences with sex because I believe it can be very enlightening (for example, I think reading about the BDSM community or sex workers can teach us a lot about the emotions and psychology behind sex, as well as the culture and stigma surrounding sex). I can also be very immature at times, like when I think sex is funny. I'll admit that. I don't mind that I can be immature about sex, because I think it makes me more comfortable with sex and makes sex more fun for me and my partner.

So what happened in this conversation between me, my mom, and my sister, is that my sister became very upset with the time of colloquialisms I was using. I think I was saying "cum" or "jizz." To me, it is very natural to use those words, especially since I most learned about sex as an ignorant teenager trying to look up information online. Not exactly the best way. 

My sister found my slang to be "disrespectful" of sex, which she believes is a very sacred act. I agree with her there, by the way. I believe sex is sacred, and it is most enjoyable when it is treated seriously and with respect. 

But I'm not sure we need to "deify" sex all of the time. For a lot of people, using slang or colloquialisms for sexytime things makes them a lot more comfortable than using the correct, medical terms for things, which can be very sterile and intimidating. And when people are more comfortable talking about sex, they learn more and feel more comfortable having sex. 

The practice of being able to communicate with people you love about sexytimes, such as family members, does translate directly into being able to talk to your partner about sex. It is a hell of a lot easier to talk to your partner about specific sexytimes things when you feel more comfortable using specific words. It might be a lot easier for you to say "don't cum on me" than "don't get your ejaculate or semen on me." 

Some people might argue that this is very immature. And I'm not necessarily going to disagree with them. Maybe we do all need to be comfortable using "proper" words. I would definitely say that we should be more comfortable saying "vagina" and "penis," because I believe those clinical words help us to be more educated about those specific areas. That and other slang can be so derogatory to our own bodies, and I believe in loving your body! Not in subtly putting it down! 

And maybe if we were all more comfortable with using the "sterile" words, it'd be easier to talk to our doctors and other medical professionals about sexual, reproductive, and general genital health (that may have been redundant. Oh well).

But I would argue that it is way more imperative to educate others on their sexual health, and to have healthy dialogue about sex practices, than it is to enforce specific words being used.

That and my sister really just needs to lighten up.    

Thoughts? Questions? Confessions? They are welcome!

Let Women Pray

Discovering Mormon feminists has been such a huge joy for me. It has been so amazing to find men and women who feel the same way as me - both in sharing some not-so-mainstream beliefs, and in the same emotions of being an outsider, being confused, etc. Some of the discussions we have are amazing.

It seems to me like Mormon feminists are trying very hard to make some small splashes in the Church. In the past, various Church leaders have spoken out against feminists as people who destroy families, essentially. I feel like these older gentlemen can be (kind of) forgiven because they probably witnessed a very radical kind of feminism that did appear to be full of home-wreckers for the sake of home-wrecking. However, many much younger LDS members follow suit, and there is constantly a lot of backlash against Mormon feminists. For this reason, they have to be very careful to not incite a lot of negative responses - such as excommunication - and try to limit their movements to changes that are not very radical, but still improvements.

One of these changes is being attempted by the "Let Women Pray" movement, found on Facebook here. (This is being done by the same women who put together the "Pants" event, where women would wear pants to church. They are called All-Enlisted.) Like this beautiful infographic says, a woman has never prayed in General Conference before, despite a proclamation made by President Kimball in the '70s that a woman can pray at any activity that they attend. I hadn't ever even noticed that this was a thing. I don't think most Mormons have.

Like I said, this is a pretty small step, especially when you consider that "worldly" feminists are trying to end rape culture and elect a female president. But I do feel like it is a very important step. If you don't think so, look at some of the crap that is being slung at this Facebook group! So many people who consider themselves to be righteous members of the Church are saying such rude things that reveal a lot of subtle sexism - or at least an unwillingness to question the Church. Which is sad.

So anyway, I actually wrote a letter. I'm going to admit that it is not very good. I think it's more sentimental than some other exerts I'm seeing from other peoples' letters, but I was trying to use a lot of techniques and wording that General Authorities usually use in General Conference talks. Also, I was full of feelings and emotions and tears (and, I admit, feeling the Spirit)! So it didn't come out very logically.

Here it is:

To whom it may concern:
I have been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints my entire life. I have never written a letter to a General Authority before, but I am writing now because this is a matter very dear to my heart. Even now, as I write this, I'm feeling very nervous, but also very sure that this is right.
I love being LDS. I love the sense of family and community, and the constant learning that is encouraged in the Church. I loved it in Primary when I had friends to play with and I loved being in Young Women's where I could learn about my divine potential and find role models in my adult leaders. But I became inactive a few years ago. I started to feel like I didn't fit in, no matter what ward I went to. I started to feel too different from everyone else. It is only in the past few months that I have regained a sense of solidarity by finding other women, and men, who have frequently felt the same way I have. This is a church for the misfit toys, the ostracized, the Nephis and Sams as we try to resist the Lamans and Lemuels of the world who dislike us for being too different. This is a church for everyone.
As women in this world, there are many ways that we are disrespected as a gender. Many times General Authorities have outlined this themselves when they talk about pornography or the over-sexualization of women in the media. There are many forces, including the adversary, who gain from taking equality and divinity away from women. We resist the forces of evil who wish to fill us with darkness by praying. I was taught from a young age to “search, ponder, and pray.” I watch my young niece, who is only a year and a half old, babble incoherently as she tries to imitate her mother praying. As a young newly-wed, I felt so much love and acceptance when my father-in-law, with tears in his eyes, thanked his Heavenly Father for his new daughters in a family prayer. It is with these small steps that we fight those who would try to take away our light. Even now as I write this, I can feel the Spirit overwhelmingly confirm to me just how important prayer is. I truly believe that it is through prayer that we learn to love our Heavenly Parents, ourselves, and everyone else around us.
And as a Woman and Relief Society member, I need to know that our leaders, including the General Authorities, love me and my sisters, and that they are listening to us. I need to know, and I would like to raise my future children to know, that we are all equals in the eyes of the Lord. I would like the General Authorities to show how important the power of prayer is to everyone by having a woman pray in General Conference where all members of the church – children, youth, and adults – can hear it. I would like to see the divinity of women recognized through being given that privilege.
I believe that the gospels and doctrines of the LDS church are true. And that is why I humbly ask you to consider this small request from one small daughter of God.

Questions? Thoughts? Please comment below!

 

Stay-at-home-wife

I've written before in this blog post, Day 1, that I am currently unemployed and working full-time at finding a new job. Being a former English major, there really isn't much out there for me, and it has been a struggle. Still, I'm hopeful.

What I want to talk about in this blog post is how I am home, all day every day, while my husband is still a full-time student and part-time employee. This means that I'm dropping him off and picking him up every day from school and work because we only have one car. He comes home exhausted and starving every night, sometimes as late as 7pm. After he's done with school for the day, he still has long and demanding projects to do for homework, some of which can take up to 20-30 hours depending on their difficulty (he's a computer science major).

Since I have nothing to do all day except look and apply for jobs, this means that the "domestic" work falls mostly on me. I make dinner almost every night. I do all of the dishes, laundry, cleaning, vacuuming, meal planning, etc. When this semester wasn't as busy, Colby would come with me to grocery shop, but now he doesn't have the time.

For a little while, I was worried about the inequality that this situation might possess, especially after my little sister referred to me as a "stay-at-home-mom." I'm not even a mom!

I talked to my older brother about my concerns, and he reminded me not to look at it that way. Colby's and my marriage is one where equal partnerships will always be the ideal. It is definitely something we both wanted going into that big commitment. In this place in our lives, it isn't about Colby being the "breadwinner" and me doing the "woman" work. It's about both of us picking up each other's slack. I am not doing all of the household chores because I am the woman; I am doing them because I am the one who is home all the time and has the time and energy to do it. Being a stay-at-home-wife may not be my choice at the moment, but it is my choice to be as positive as I can about it, and be grateful when Colby does have the time and energy to clean or make a meal (which I make sure he does every single time he can).

I am, of course, still looking for a job. My career is very important to me. But I am also still super proud of myself when I try a new recipe and create a delicious new meal.

Dating a porn addict

This is a topic I've wanted to write about for a while because I've had quite a bit of experience with it. Well, maybe not compared to some of the stories I've read about women who have married men who are addicted to pornography and have had to deal with it for years and years. But I've dated two guys with porn addictions and have heard experiences from other men who had once suffered from the same problem, and I do think that's probably more than the average person.

So yeah, I dated two different men, both living in Utah, who were addicted to porn. One was LDS, but the other was strongly Greek Orthodox. They were both in their early 20s and hadn't had very much experience with relationships. In fact, I'd say that their strongest female relationship throughout their lives was with their mothers.

I'm not an expert on pornography addictions. I've done some research,  but I mainly just have my experiences to go off of. I don't know if having an unusually strong relationship with your mother is a symptom or product of a pornography addiction, but I do know that in these specific examples of the two guys I dated, it was a strong factor in the unhealthy relationships they had with women. I do also know that the rates for pornography addictions are higher in Utah, and that religious beliefs about sexuality can definitely be a big determinant in that.

If you are beginning a relationship with someone who has problems with pornography, my advice to you is to just stop. They are great people, I'm sure, but you do not want to have to deal with that problem if you don't have to. If you don't believe me, just go to any support discussion board and read the stories of these wives who have had their hearts broken so many times.

Here are a few things I've noticed about men with pornography addictions:

1. They usually have another problem that they are treating with pornography. For example, one guy I dated suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts, while the other had severe anxiety. I didn't stick with these guys long enough to know if treating those other problems helped with their pornography addictions.
2. They felt that they were victims. To some degree, I agree with this and sympathize. I've heard stories where a man's first exposure to pornography starts with something tame, like Victoria's Secret ads, or with someone else giving them the porn and not with them seeking it out. It makes sense, with internet ads and pop-ups frequently being very pornographic in nature. But no matter how the addiction starts, it seems to me that the addict could never get out of the "victim" phase. When my exes confided in me that they had pornography addictions, it was usually accompanied with tears and feelings of anguish and regret. They genuinely wished that they did not have an addiction. However, that was as far as they were willing to go. They would ask for my help, and I would waste no time going to the internet and trying to find out how to help them. I found software programs that would report all of their internet activity to them or a sponsor. I found group therapies for this specific addiction (not hard to find in Utah). I found internet chat boards. I bought them journals. I encouraged them to go to therapists and religious leaders. I encouraged them to put their computers in a more public place in the house. But they responded by doing very little. That is their own choice and fine. No one should ever push an addict to recover if they don't want to. But if they act like they want to change, but then employ very few methods or put forth only a little effort, then back out. At some point, they need to move past the victim phase. But they aren't going to do it because of you. It is my belief that, deep down, these addicts did not want to give recovery everything they had, and I think it was because they were afraid of failing and feeling like they really were bad people. Either way, just don't deal with it.
3. They do not have good relationships with women. They have very few female friends. They have been in very few romantic relationships. Some have unhealthily close relationships with their mothers that keep them from forming romantic relationships with women who are not related to them. Neither of the addicts I dated were very into commitment, which I believe is partly due to the places they were in their lives and partly due to their addiction. Both of the addicts I dated eventually went to therapists and talked about me. Though both of them were unwilling to give me up completely even after we broke up, both of them would report back to me that they talked about me in their therapy sessions and discovered that I was often the one to blame. Both of their therapists diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder without ever having met me. So as much as a porn addict may need you and love you, they also will turn on you and use you as a scapegoat if it means lifting some of the blame off of themselves. 
4. Neither of them actually wanted to have sex with me, surprisingly enough. They were both willing to fool around with me and had many sexual desires, but that was as far as it would go. I do not think this is because they already had an outlet and, therefore, didn't "need" me. I think it has more to do with their religious beliefs and with their inability to make that emotional connection.
5. Many porn addicts I have met have confided in me that they have committed some deviant behavior. One admitted to me that he had hired a prostitute. One admitted to me that he had molested a girl in her sleep when they were both young teenagers. One admitted to me that he had previously been in a dominant-submissive relationship, also when they were teenagers (which, regardless of whether or not you are okay with that type of relationship, is way too young to start trying that sort of thing out). They were all secretive about the types of porn that they looked at, but I did hear from them the different types of fetishes that they had watched. I have always believed in the saying "to each his/her own" and so I do not judge those with very specific and unusual sexual preferences. However, it is my understanding that pornography addictions become a problem of constant escalation, of constantly needing newer and more exotic material until the addict becomes unable to have a healthy sexual relationship with a real person. So while having one unusual fetish may be healthy (I really don't know), I do know that an addict getting off on lots of different fetishes is unhealthy. This article from an actual porn addict is very helpful in understanding what I'm saying here: http://www.salon.com/2013/01/13/did_porn_warp_me_forever/.

I think that'll be the end of my thoughts. 

I want to wrap this up by apologizing if I've offended anyone. I do not mean to say that porn addicts are pariahs that we should shun, or that they are bad people. All I want to do is advise women to not date people with this particular problem until they learn how to recover from it. I am clearly not an expert, nor do I believe that every observation I've recorded here must necessarily apply to all persons with a porn addiction. 

Day 1

Today I'd like to write about my life a little bit.

I graduated last month with an English B.A. I spent as much time as I could last semester applying for jobs: a grueling process. I had very few good options because the field I want to go into - writing and editing - is pretty limited. Any jobs I applied for that would help me further my career needed more experience than I had. I had a few interviews with jobs that I considered fallback, but they either didn't go anywhere or were for positions that were much less promising than originally seemed.

I hate feeling like I have to settle for work that I will be unhappy at. But also, I hate feeling like my husband, who is a student, will have all the pressure of earning an income for both of us.

I'm trying my best to stay positive about starting this process over again. Last semester was absolutely terrible (car crashes, wedding planning, looking for an apartment and then moving into it, etc.), but after a long vacation, an amazing wedding, and a great honeymoon, this semester (can I call it a "semester" when I'm not a student?) is looking much better.

A few goals I'm trying to keep while job-hunting:

1. Waking up (and staying up) every morning when Colby does.
2. Wearing pants until Colby comes home from work/school.
3. Always being optimistic.
4. Working on job-hunting every day, but also pacing myself so I don't get burned out/depressed. 
5. Being productive with other things when I'm not working on job hunting (i.e. household chores, thank you cards, etc.)

However, if you are in need of a passionate and above-average writer and practiced editor, please feel free to put me out of my misery. 

Blogger Highlights

Here are a few blogs that I LOVE. They're all Feminist, so ... they're awesome!

http://critiquingadvertising.wordpress.com/ This blog critiques magazine advertisements, like so:

Brilliant, right?

And this one: http://fiercefeminists.wordpress.com/. Written by a high school student in a feminism class, I gather. Which is pretty impressive. Why didn't my high school offer classes in feminism? Where is this super progressive high school?

But my favorite blog of all-time (at least for the past few months) has been The Pervocracy. http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/ Cliff Pervocracy is a wonderfully elegant, intelligent, and hilarious blogger. She also likes to point out the rampant objectification and ridiculousity in Cosmopolitan, but she also shares some very personal stories about her experiences with sex and the BDSM community. Although I'm not into BDSM myself, I feel like she's taught me a lot about being open and communicating fully about sex.

In fact, her viewpoint on communicating about sex has made me realize how ridiculous I've been in all of my relationships in the past. I think we all get this idea about sex that your partner should just be able to guess what you want, and that it's embarrassing to explicitly tell them. I'm not sure if that's just the Hollywoodization of sex, or because our society isn't into saying words like "penis" and "vagina," but I feel like it definitely exists. 

I also think that I've been doing that in situations that aren't about sex. When I'm angry/sad/insecure, I've expected exes to just figure it out themselves. I'm sure that frustrated them, and, on top of me being disappointed in them for falling short in an expectation I shouldn't have had of them, that caused problems. 

So, since reading Pervocracy's blog and being inspired by her openness, I've made habit of becoming more open with my current partner. Things have definitely worked out for the better in every situation.

This post became oddly personal ... oh well. Check out these blogs!

My awkward engagment

I've mentioned before that I am engaged. It's been this really weird thing for me this entire time.

Even when I was deep in the throes of active Mormonism, I had never wanted to get married as young as 21. When I was less active and before Colby and I started dating, I hadn't wanted to get married at all. But I've also always believed that when you have found the right person, then why should you wait?

Of course, all of this is deeply influenced by Mormonism because of the whole no pre-marital sex thing. People who are having pre-marital sex wouldn't feel the same rush to get married, and so the answer for them would be different. Obviously.

But either way, Colby and I had known each other for 11 years, and it had just finally clicked for us. I'm not going to explain any further because I'm being anonymous here, but also because I really don't need to validate my relationship to anyone. I know it is right, and I'm being very logical and practical about this, so that should be enough for everyone. (In case you couldn't tell, it isn't enough for some of my skeptical friends.)

I am very confident in my decision. However, I still feel very weird about being engaged. I've never been engaged before. It felt weird to go ring shopping when I had never worn a ring before. It feels weird to tell people that I'm getting married, and I generally don't. My coworkers didn't know I was engaged until we had been working together for over 3 months. I just don't really feel like being all "HEY, LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT MY RING, MARRIAGE MARRIAGE MARRIAGE!"

Basically, I feel like I'm not fitting in anywhere. I'm not getting married in the temple because I don't want to. Because of that, and because I'm not very active or very squealing romantic ahhhhh! about this, I don't feel like I'm anything like the traditional Mormon engagements I'm seeing. Or what these Mormon moms in my parents' ward are expecting of me. I mean, I'm not taking his last name. I don't think many of them would understand that.

But on the other hand, I'm also not fitting in with the super liberal crowd that I usually feel more akin to. They're all out exploring their sexuality and looking down on cheesy, sappy relationships, of which weddings are just naturally a part of (yuck). I feel weird wearing my ring, and I feel like I have to explain to them. HEY! I'M STILL SUPER LIBERAL. I'M STILL NON-TRADITIONAL. DON'T BE FOOLED JUST BECAUSE I'M 21 AND GETTING MARRIED IN UTAH.

I guess I just have to be like, FUCK YOU GUYS. MY LIFE, MY AWESOME HUSBAND, GO AWAY.

I'll work on that. Maybe more in my attitude and less in actual yelling.