What your clothing "says" about you

Lately, in my internet sphere, there has been this kind of "war" about modesty. There are those who say modesty is important because it shows self-respect and keeps a man from having sexual thoughts about you - and there are those who say that modesty is all well and good, but doing it for the sake of others' is not the right way to go about it.

I think you can guess by now that I'm clearly in the second camp. I wrote about it last year here. You should also check out this great post by another Mormon feminist here; this one is responding to a video that's been making the rounds by Jessica Rey, creator of a "modest" swimsuit line.

One comment the above blog post ("To Every One That Believeth." Not my blog.) was something about what we were "says" something to everyone around us.

Actually, what she said was this:

Of course, I replied something snarky and said she must be exhausted all of the time from "evaluating" and "assessing" people. Although, I truly believe that this lifestyle does sound exhausting. You're already running errands, working, going to school, and trying to have fun - so while you're doing that, you're also turning your head every way to look at people, see what they're wearing, and judge them based on something as shallow as their clothing? 

The idea that a person "says" something with their clothing comes from pure commercialization. When you shop at Urban Outfitters, you're saying you're quirky and a hipster. When you shop at American Eagle, you're saying that you're preppy. But who decides that? The stores do. The commercials do. The commercials convince you that you need to represent yourself a certain way, specifically their way. And that way, you aren't going from store to store finding items that you like, but you're staying at one store and spending all of your money there. They've got you hooked. 

And are we really "saying" something with our clothes when we all shop at the same prescribed stores anyway? A store produces thousands, millions of the same exact item every time it creates a new piece of clothing. The chances of you running into someone wearing the same shirt as you is actually pretty high. So why do we think that we're "saying" anything unique with our clothing when we clearly have very little say in it anyway? 

Lastly, this is such an unreliable method to get to a decision anyway. Most of the time when you judge someone based on their clothing choices, you are wrong. What about the athletes who sexually assault women? The businessmen who embezzle? In my high school, a group of about 20 of the good-grade-honors-students-teachers'-favorites-athletes-who-got-into-good-colleges weren't allowed to walk at graduation because they got drunk on their way to prom and assaulted a police officer. Last week in the grocery store, despite the fact that my hair was a mess and I was wearing my cleaning clothes (and a wedding ring), I got hit on when I didn't want to. Most of the time when you try to "interpret" someone's clothing, you're going to get it wrong. 

From there, it's a slippery slope into victim blaming. That woman was wearing a low cut shirt and short skirt, which we all know means that she's "saying" she wants sex, so isn't it her fault that someone decided to "listen" to her clothing and not her words? Doesn't that make it her fault she was raped? 

No. It never does. Never ever ever. 

The same thing applies to women in bikinis. This woman, and many other champions of "modesty," are presuming that a woman who wears a bikini is doing it for the sexual attention she will attract. What we should be doing is thinking that maybe a woman in a bikini is wearing it because that is what she is most comfortable in, and she really doesn't care who looks at her. It's a cliche, but there's also that expression that we don't wear makeup for men, but for ourselves. Same thing with bikinis. 

Honestly, I really feel a lot of pity for this woman who posted the above comment. (Of course, I am judging her without meeting her and that's wrong, but ...) I can imagine that she is the type of woman who wakes up two hours before the crack of dawn because she can't stand to leave her house without her make up and hair done. And while many may think "oh, she's showing respect for those around her," really, she's just very insecure about herself. 

"Bossypants" and "How to Be a Woman"

My thoughts

I just read Tina Fey's Bossypants and Caitlin Moran's How to Be a Woman back to back. The funny thing is, they really are very similar. On the cover of Caitlin's book, someone has reviewed it as "the British Bossypants," and it's true! They both talk about the horrors of puberty, being a woman in a male-dominated workplace, their family, and their experiences as mothers.

The thing I like about both these books, besides being hilarious and easy to relate to, is that they're both gateway drugs into feminism. I mean that in the best way, of course. They are two individuals' experiences with feminism. Because it's so easy to understand, these books are a great introduction to feminism.

They aren't, however, the bottom line of feminism. Tina Fey has been criticized for this one line she has about how beauty standards have evolved to the point where one woman is expected to have body parts from all sorts of ethnicities. The way she comes across in the line is derogatory to women of color, or so I have read from women of color (I didn't find it offensive at first, but that could easily be my white privilege. It might also be that I read it differently than those critics did). I didn't like that both of them criticized other female celebrities, though the reasoning behind it made sense.

So while the books aren't hardcore feminism, or even inclusive, intersectional feminism, they are brilliant, funny, lighthearted, and have some great criticisms of everyday sexisms.

Your book club

Because these books are both very personal, your book club might get very personal too when talking about these books. It might just turn into story time. But that's okay! I think that's the point of both of these books, and that's what reading them encourages.

Here are some questions that will hopefully bring about awesome discussions in your feminist book club:

1. Talk about your experiences with puberty. Did your parents give you "the talk"? What are some conversations you had about growing up with siblings or friends? 
2. In Caitlin's book, she talks about what we call our private body parts. Do you think the names we use for our breasts and vagina are important? What are some of the names you hear that you do or don't like? 
3. What are some of the beauty standards you come up against? How have you had to fight them and learn to accept your body? Do you still struggle with some of them?
4. Both Tina and Caitlin have mentioned gay friends that they had. What do you think of their relationships with people who are homosexual? How do you think the gay community and feminism relate to each other? Can gay men understand some of the experiences of women in the patriarchy? (You could also talk about lesbian women in this discussion, but this is also a REALLY BIG discussion. You might have to try to reign it in.)
5. Both Tina and Caitlin use humor to talk about feminism. Tina even uses humor to bring feminist issues to a national audience. How does using humor help feminist causes? You could use rape jokes as an example in this discussion.
6. Both Tina and Caitlin have experienced sexism in the workplace. Both of them have had to fight for more female representation in male-dominated industries. How do you think things have changed for women as comedians and musicians? Are we making progress in those two fields? You might also want to share some experiences you have had in your own workplaces. 
7. Caitlin describes her first experience of being in love with Courtney. It's obviously an awful relationship, and Caitlin seems to know that, but she sticks with it. Why does she stay with Courtney for so long? Have you had a similar experience? Why was it so important for Caitlin to be in love?
8. What do you think of Caitlin visiting a strip club? What are your personal feminist views on women working in the sex industry? Do you agree with Caitlin's conclusions?
9. Caitlin describes her wedding and all the issues she has with the wedding industry. Do you agree with her? Did you have problems with your wedding, or have you been in a similar situation as her sister, Caz? 
10. Tina Fey tells a story about Amy Poehler saying to Jimmy Fallon "I don't care if you fucking like it." Talk about that. Talk about male privilege, too. 
11. Both Tina and Caitlin talk about motherhood, as well as how they bring their feminist outlook to motherhood. If you are a mother, talk about how you try to bring feminist ideals to raising your child. If you aren't, you can bring up goals you have for raising children in a feminist way. Is motherhood a feminist act? (Discuss Caitlin's chapter about giving birth for the first time. I absolutely loved that part. She made giving birth seem so empowering, like a she-warrior.) 
12. Talk about Caitlin's chapter on abortion. Do you want children? Do you think not having children is a feminist act?
13. Both Tina and Caitlin are white, mostly middle-class feminists living in developed countries. Discuss some of the privilege that comes with that, and maybe some of the privilege you saw in Tina and Caitlin. 
14. Now that you've read both books ... which one did you like better and why?

So there's a lot in there. SORRY. You could probably talk an entire 24 hours if you went thoroughly through every one of those questions. So just pick and choose what you and your book club will probably like. 

And I hope you enjoy the books!

5 Ways to Make Modesty More Spiritual

One issue that Mormon feminists have is that of "modesty culture." (For more on "modesty culture," you can check out the definition, an awesome blog post at Experimental Criticism, and a blog post by me.) I think that most MoFems, myself included, wished that modesty revolved less around the length of your skirt and more around spiritual traits.

But that got me thinking - what is modesty that has nothing to do with clothing? When the For the Strength of Youth isn't talking about the specifics of clothing and appearance, it says

"Your body is sacred. Respect it and do not defile it in any way. Through your dress and appearance, you can show that you know how precious your body is. You can show that you are a disciple of Jesus Christ and that you love Him."

That part was great, but none of the rest of the For the Strength of Youth was super helpful for what I was trying to figure out. Upon some further exploration of LDS.org, I found this entry (here):

I like this one a little better. Modesty is transfered from clothing choices to an "attitude," and behaviors.

Elaine S. Dalton said this in her talk Stay on the Path:

Virtue encompasses modesty—in thought, language, dress, and demeanor ... When we are modest, we show others that we understand our relationship with our Father in Heaven as His daughters. We demonstrate that we love Him and that we will stand as a witness of Him in all things. Being modest lets others know that we “cherish virtue” (“Dearest Children, God Is Near You,” Hymns, no. 96). Modesty is not a matter of being “hip.” It is a matter of the heart and being holy. It is not about being fashionable. It is about being faithful. It is not about being cool. It is about being chaste and keeping covenants. It is not about being popular, but about being pure.

This is a little more helpful in describing the attitudes, thoughts, and behavior. Essentially, what I get from this paragraph is that it is more important to have a relationship with Heavenly Father than to be popular, fashionable, etc. Modesty is about what is inside of you rather than what is outside of you.

So how do we figure that out? Telling us that modesty is an "attitude," "behavior," "thought," and "demeanor" isn't very specific. What thoughts are we supposed to be thinking? How exactly are we supposed to be behaving?

Behaviors of Modesty

So what are the behaviors of modesty? That's really not an easy question to answer. The definition of modesty outside of Christianity probably has something to do with being humble. But how do we have a demeanor of being humble without putting ourselves down all of the time?  

Here are a few answers that I've thought up. These are obviously not perfect and may not work for everyone, but I think they're a good start to answering this complicated question. 

1. Love yourself - We've all heard before that it's hard to love others if you don't love yourself first, but it's true! It's also difficult to take care of your body if you hate it. So much of our society and media today tries to tell you that you aren't good enough, that your body isn't perfect enough. Start working today to undo the harmful messages that are all around you. Try daily to think of parts of your body that you genuinely like. Stop buying magazines and comparing yourself to celebrities that spend hours a day working out and then are photoshopped in the pictures (check out Beauty Redefined to learn more about harmful media). Don't let yourself look in a mirror for entire day. Skip makeup.

2. Take care of yourself - You don't need to spend hours a day exercising and restricting yourself to an oppressive diet. But you should also take care of yourself physically. To me, all this means is maybe going out for a leisurely nature walk or trying to cut out fast food. It also means letting yourself relax and not get too stressed. Do some yoga or have a dance party with your friends. There can be good, helpful ways to maintain some healthy habits without making yourself unhappy. Also, eat the cake! If you want dessert, go reward yourself with some. Just make sure you don't binge eat on anything either - keep a healthy balance of eating good, supportive foods and fun, helpful exercise. Nap in the middle of the day if you feel like it. 

3. Love others - This one relates to #1. If you are constantly criticizing others around you, those thoughts are going to turn inwards. If you are worried about someone else's clothing, you're also going to start worrying about your own. That kind of poison doesn't leave you. It stays inside of you and hurts you. Mean thoughts towards others is also not Christlike in the least. How can you love and serve others if you're secretly calling them fat or slutty? Answer: YOU CAN'T! Next time you catch yourself criticizing someone else in your head, try to replace the thought with a positive one. Think about instead how their hair looks great, or how they're really good at making friends, or how talented they are. You don't have to go overboard and make yourself feel bad (because we're not comparing ourselves to others, right???), but you should try to banish the negative thoughts you have about others.

4. Be grateful - It's not always easy to be happy with what God gave us. All of us go through a terrible combination of puberty, high school, and more that make us dislike at least part of our bodies. But think about how remarkable we are. Our bodies are so miraculous and complex that scientists still haven't figured it all out - we still don't even know why bodies need sleep! And God created that all. When you pray at night, thank Heavenly Father for the individual amazing things your body does. Go outside and feel the sunlight on your skin. Lay with your eyes closed and pay attention to your breathing. I believe that an attitude of modesty is caring more about what your body DOES rather than how your body LOOKS. 

5. Be creative - There are so many awesome ways to make, recreate, recycle, or decorate clothing on Pinterest. I've got a million of them right here. Try a few of the ones that appeal to you. Learn how to sew or crochet or whatever. Learning a new skill will again help you to value what you can do over your appearance. Take pride in your work and wear it boldly. Personalize it to show off your unique personality. Even if you've made a mistake in your artwork, no one else will notice. Go up to people and brag about it (I don't mean really get in their face brag, but more like "hey look! I made this! I'm pretty proud of myself for making a goal and accomplishing it! Now I have this awesome product I love!"). Creating your own clothing pieces will allow you to make it as modest as you like it. You'll also begin to care less about the cost of clothing or the brand names. You can spend your extra money on more worthwhile things, like having fun with friends. You'll feel more comfortable, because your clothes will actually fit your size, unlike clothes at stores that are very hit or miss.

Those are my ideas, at least. I would love to hear if you have any great ideas for how you make modesty more spiritual! Please share your thoughts, comments, or questions below.

I'm an introverted feminist

I think one of the reasons why I'm a feminist is because I'm also very much an introvert. It's not obvious right away, but feminism actually tells you that it's okay to be an introvert. Here is a list of ways that feminism is inclusive of introverts.

I don't own this picture. Feel free to yell at me if it is yours.

1. Feminism teaches you that you do not have to talk to strangers if you don't want to. Especially men. You do not owe them anything, particularly not your comfort. You do not have to stand there and pretend to be nice. You can say, “I have to go,” or “I don't want to talk right now.” In response, the stranger might call you a bitch, but you'll know deep down that you aren't.

2. Have you ever hated it when someone tells you to smile? Like, what's so inherently worthwhile about a smile? Can't I sometimes be in a mood where I don't feel like smiling? Feminism tells you that you don't have to smile for anyone. You body is your own and is does not exist to please anyone else – this applies to simple smiles as well as sexual acts. People may think they're trying to brighten your day when they ask you to smile, but really, it's just another form of objectification. You do not exist to make anyone else happy.

3. What if a guy is hitting on you or trying to flirt with you? Feminism encourages you to ditch that guy, even if you have to be rude about it. Again, you don't owe him anything, except maybe a little common curtesy. Even then, you don't owe them common curtesy if they are being rude, overly aggressive, or making you feel uncomfortable.

4. I sometimes feel bad if I'm not being social enough, or if I think about how I don't have as many friends as other people. I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I wonder what's wrong with me that this comes so naturally to other people and not to me. Feminism is constantly trying to fight against the idea that there is one societal standard for how to act. Generally, they are fighting against gender roles, over-sexualization, modesty police, and other societal expectations, but the same logic still applies to introverts. You do not have to be extroverted. You should not feel bad because you are different from other people. Embrace who you truly are when society isn't telling you who to be!

5. Feminists believe there shouldn't be one standard for attractiveness. This applies to how you physically look, such as facial features, body weight, body hair, etc., but also applies to how you behave. You should not have to be overly flirty and friendly or hyper sexual in your actions to be attractive. If it isn't natural to you to behave that way, then don't. You're still attractive. Women and men who are super flirty and friendly are also attractive. There is no one way to act that makes you more attractive than others – unless you're like, being a racist dick or something.

6. Sometimes, being an introvert means you dress a certain way. Obviously, not all introverts dress a specific way. But sometimes I dress in a way that reflects the fact that I don't want any social interactions. Or just because it's comfortable. Feminism tells me that it's okay not to dress hyper-feminine, super fancy, or the way everyone else is dressing. Feminism also tells me it is okay to dress that way when I feel like it! I do not feel the need for makeup, doing my hair, or semi-presentable clothing most days. Some days, I don't even feel like getting out of my pajama pants. Whether or not that is a symptom of introversion, I feel supported by feminism when I make those choices.

To sum up, I believe that feminism teaches me that it's okay to be me. Feminism encourages me to do whatever the fuck makes me comfortable in my own skin. As an introvert, I really love feminism!

Sexytimes Language

Once upon a time, I was talking to my mom and my sister about sex. I can't remember exactly how the conversation went, but it was definitely about intercourse and sexytimes ("sexytimes" is my fun word for all the sexual experiences, or "play" as some people call it. I prefer to use it, personally, because it makes the whole experience sound more playful and it is more all-encompassing. I also think that maybe it is less heteronormative - definition found here - because of it's nature of including all types of sexual acts). 

Both my mom and sister are medical professionals (or future medical professionals, in the case of my little sister) and LDS. Because my mom has been a nurse for a very long time, she has always been very comfortable talking about sex and genitals with us. My sister, on the other hand, can be very uptight. I think because of her rigidity in Mormonism and some of her past experiences, she is extremely uncomfortable when sex comes up. 

I, on the other hand, love to talk about sex. I like hearing about others' experiences with sex because I believe it can be very enlightening (for example, I think reading about the BDSM community or sex workers can teach us a lot about the emotions and psychology behind sex, as well as the culture and stigma surrounding sex). I can also be very immature at times, like when I think sex is funny. I'll admit that. I don't mind that I can be immature about sex, because I think it makes me more comfortable with sex and makes sex more fun for me and my partner.

So what happened in this conversation between me, my mom, and my sister, is that my sister became very upset with the time of colloquialisms I was using. I think I was saying "cum" or "jizz." To me, it is very natural to use those words, especially since I most learned about sex as an ignorant teenager trying to look up information online. Not exactly the best way. 

My sister found my slang to be "disrespectful" of sex, which she believes is a very sacred act. I agree with her there, by the way. I believe sex is sacred, and it is most enjoyable when it is treated seriously and with respect. 

But I'm not sure we need to "deify" sex all of the time. For a lot of people, using slang or colloquialisms for sexytime things makes them a lot more comfortable than using the correct, medical terms for things, which can be very sterile and intimidating. And when people are more comfortable talking about sex, they learn more and feel more comfortable having sex. 

The practice of being able to communicate with people you love about sexytimes, such as family members, does translate directly into being able to talk to your partner about sex. It is a hell of a lot easier to talk to your partner about specific sexytimes things when you feel more comfortable using specific words. It might be a lot easier for you to say "don't cum on me" than "don't get your ejaculate or semen on me." 

Some people might argue that this is very immature. And I'm not necessarily going to disagree with them. Maybe we do all need to be comfortable using "proper" words. I would definitely say that we should be more comfortable saying "vagina" and "penis," because I believe those clinical words help us to be more educated about those specific areas. That and other slang can be so derogatory to our own bodies, and I believe in loving your body! Not in subtly putting it down! 

And maybe if we were all more comfortable with using the "sterile" words, it'd be easier to talk to our doctors and other medical professionals about sexual, reproductive, and general genital health (that may have been redundant. Oh well).

But I would argue that it is way more imperative to educate others on their sexual health, and to have healthy dialogue about sex practices, than it is to enforce specific words being used.

That and my sister really just needs to lighten up.    

Thoughts? Questions? Confessions? They are welcome!

Perfect butts and Pinterest

So on Pinterest, I have this one friend who is constantly pinning different exercise pins. Every single day when I go on, she's got about 30 more. This may be a slight exaggeration, but only very slight.

Needless to say, she probably has an eating disorder. Especially since the occurrences of these pin rampages always seems to coincide with difficult breakups.

The theme of pins I seemed to notice today was how to exercise to get the perfectly shaped butt. For her, the perfect butt is the "bubble butt."

This is the bubble butt:  

Also, she's probably sticking her butt out, making it look bigger than it really is.

For others, the necessary butt workout can be the "bikini butt," the "Jessica Beil butt," the "tight" butt, the "LeAnn Rimes bikini butt," and so on. She even pinned this ridiculous-looking chart: 

Please, no one take this seriously.

There are so many good reasons all of these pins shouldn't exist, and my poor friend is the exact example of why. She is 22, and despite what she thinks, gorgeous. She is never lacking for male attention or compliments from others. Yet, she doesn't understand that she is perfect the way she is. She spends hours a day at the gym, puts herself on many different kinds of unnecessary diets, including the "military" diet, and never ever feels good about herself. After she moved out of the house we were sharing, I threw away a few years' worth of about three different health magazines. But she doesn't seem to realize that all of this, on top of about 300 Pinterest links to workout websites, can be seriously dangerous and harmful to her. 

And really, who wants to live their life that way? She is of average height and weight. There is nothing "fat" about her, especially given all the muscle she gains by exercising such an excessive amount. I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this, but I've always called the "bubble butt" the "black butt," because the only people I knew who had them were black (or Greek, actually). The point I'm trying to make by saying that is that butts are genetic, natural, biological, whatever. You probably can't get the bubble butt, or Jessica Beil's butt, or whomever's, because your butt is your butt. 

I'm currently trying to work up the courage to tell this friend that I am worried about her. But in the meantime, I wanted to tell you all how sick I am of "thinspo," and of hearing women call themselves fat. Please, everyone, work on loving the body you are in. Trying this hard to achieve a body that you are not biologically made for is only going to make you unhappy. Changing yourself will not make you happy - only accepting yourself and loving your body for all of its supposed imperfections can do that.  

Blogger Highlights

Here are a few blogs that I LOVE. They're all Feminist, so ... they're awesome!

http://critiquingadvertising.wordpress.com/ This blog critiques magazine advertisements, like so:

Brilliant, right?

And this one: http://fiercefeminists.wordpress.com/. Written by a high school student in a feminism class, I gather. Which is pretty impressive. Why didn't my high school offer classes in feminism? Where is this super progressive high school?

But my favorite blog of all-time (at least for the past few months) has been The Pervocracy. http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/ Cliff Pervocracy is a wonderfully elegant, intelligent, and hilarious blogger. She also likes to point out the rampant objectification and ridiculousity in Cosmopolitan, but she also shares some very personal stories about her experiences with sex and the BDSM community. Although I'm not into BDSM myself, I feel like she's taught me a lot about being open and communicating fully about sex.

In fact, her viewpoint on communicating about sex has made me realize how ridiculous I've been in all of my relationships in the past. I think we all get this idea about sex that your partner should just be able to guess what you want, and that it's embarrassing to explicitly tell them. I'm not sure if that's just the Hollywoodization of sex, or because our society isn't into saying words like "penis" and "vagina," but I feel like it definitely exists. 

I also think that I've been doing that in situations that aren't about sex. When I'm angry/sad/insecure, I've expected exes to just figure it out themselves. I'm sure that frustrated them, and, on top of me being disappointed in them for falling short in an expectation I shouldn't have had of them, that caused problems. 

So, since reading Pervocracy's blog and being inspired by her openness, I've made habit of becoming more open with my current partner. Things have definitely worked out for the better in every situation.

This post became oddly personal ... oh well. Check out these blogs!