Self-Reliance Versus Charity

For the past few months, I've been working as a freelance writer for a food storage company. It's been a completely different experience for me - I've always found emergency preparedness and food storage boring before. Now, I actually find it quite interesting.

Frequently, I run into resources that are affiliated with the Church. The books I read are mainly written by authors living in Utah, website I come across are made by members, etc. I don't think you could be a prepper or survivalist without being aware of the Church's involvement with emergency preparedness.

It really shows this attitude that members of the Church have. Because the Church has constantly pushed emergency preparedness, members develop a deep appreciation for self-reliance. And I can understand that - I think it'd be awesome to grow my own food, be prepared for any type of emergency, have parts of my house run on solar power, grown-up stuff like that. Those are goals I want to achieve, for the sake of saving money, being environmentally friendly, convenience, and as activities that will make me feel good about myself. As soon as my husband and I are in the phase of home-ownership, that is.

You can also see how the self-reliance attitude enters in to all parts of members' lives. I always marvel at how many Latter-day Saints can be so conservative in their political beliefs when it seems like liberalism falls more in line with the charity of Jesus Christ. Of course, socially, stances on abortion and gay marriage are similar between LDS doctrine and conservatism. But I'm thinking more like socialized healthcare - aren't we supposed to be taking care of our neighbors without judgement? Of course, that is a different issue I don't want to get into now.

I just believe that the attitude of self-reliance and the attitude of constant charity clash. Members are so proud of self-reliance that they stop being charitable indiscriminately. A problem arrises when self-reliance becomes so important to members that they reject receiving or giving outside help in any areas of their lives. They start to decide that one group or person does not deserve their help or charity because they are homeless, they are immigrants, they have made poor life decisions, or they wear pajamas and eat McDonald's all of the time.

The attitude of self-reliance should not be one that interferes with Jesus's ultimate commandment, which is to love one another. When Christ says in Matthew 6:3

But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:

I have always interpreted that to mean that you must give indiscriminately. I grew up hearing the excuses of why you should not give to homeless beggars or panhandlers because they'll use the money for drugs or booze, or because they should be trying to find a job instead of wasting their time begging. I've heard that you should try to buy them a sandwich instead of giving pocket change (which isn't terrible, and probably is the option that most people feel comfortable with, including myself). But Jesus never said "only give to the people who you know will use it the way you want them to use it." He never had caveats. In fact, He's a big proponent of not judging anyone, remember? He only said give!

So to me, self-reliance means that you must have yourself and your family fully taken care of before you can fully give indiscriminately. Self-reliance means not making yourself someone in need of charity while you are trying to give charity yourself. It does not mean holding out or judging others.  

And, absolutely, self-reliance is not more important than charity.

Conference Weekend

Such an exciting weekend! So many things happened!!! And I was able to stay in my pjs in bed for all of them!

So first, TWO women prayed in General Conference!!! All you naysayers better shut up, because the bottom line here is that WOMEN PRAYED IN GENERAL CONFERENCE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ALL OF RECORDED CHURCH HISTORY. There are still some critics yelling at the contributors to the Let Women Pray movement about how we don't understand revelation, how the pray-ers were selected months ago, how God decides things and not us, blah blah blah. It's all a bunch of negativity, and whether or not those commenters are intending to, they're really tearing us down. Choosing to ignore and just celebrate.

Let's get a picture in here:

Second, a project I've been a part of just kicked off this weekend! The project is "I'm a Mormon feminist." We put together a website, http://mormonfeminist.org/, and we are gathering lots of submissions. We have pictures of Mormon feminists holding signs, profiles featuring Mormon feminists, and videos of Mormon feminists telling their stories. It's all pretty exciting.

If you want to extra support us, we also have a Facebook page, Twitter account, Pinterest account, and YouTube channel. We're all over the place!!!

Facebook: here

Twitter: here

Pinterest: here

YouTube: here

Like and share all of our stuff to spread the word!!!

This is me!!! And I am awesome!!!

And lastly: I was a guest blogger over at Young Mormon Feminists, which is just about the coolest thing ever. Young Mormon Feminists was one of my first introduction to Mormon feminism, and I really love them and everything they do. 

Check it out here!

So yay everyone! Happy MoFem/Conference weekend!!!

I'm an introverted feminist

I think one of the reasons why I'm a feminist is because I'm also very much an introvert. It's not obvious right away, but feminism actually tells you that it's okay to be an introvert. Here is a list of ways that feminism is inclusive of introverts.

I don't own this picture. Feel free to yell at me if it is yours.

1. Feminism teaches you that you do not have to talk to strangers if you don't want to. Especially men. You do not owe them anything, particularly not your comfort. You do not have to stand there and pretend to be nice. You can say, “I have to go,” or “I don't want to talk right now.” In response, the stranger might call you a bitch, but you'll know deep down that you aren't.

2. Have you ever hated it when someone tells you to smile? Like, what's so inherently worthwhile about a smile? Can't I sometimes be in a mood where I don't feel like smiling? Feminism tells you that you don't have to smile for anyone. You body is your own and is does not exist to please anyone else – this applies to simple smiles as well as sexual acts. People may think they're trying to brighten your day when they ask you to smile, but really, it's just another form of objectification. You do not exist to make anyone else happy.

3. What if a guy is hitting on you or trying to flirt with you? Feminism encourages you to ditch that guy, even if you have to be rude about it. Again, you don't owe him anything, except maybe a little common curtesy. Even then, you don't owe them common curtesy if they are being rude, overly aggressive, or making you feel uncomfortable.

4. I sometimes feel bad if I'm not being social enough, or if I think about how I don't have as many friends as other people. I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I wonder what's wrong with me that this comes so naturally to other people and not to me. Feminism is constantly trying to fight against the idea that there is one societal standard for how to act. Generally, they are fighting against gender roles, over-sexualization, modesty police, and other societal expectations, but the same logic still applies to introverts. You do not have to be extroverted. You should not feel bad because you are different from other people. Embrace who you truly are when society isn't telling you who to be!

5. Feminists believe there shouldn't be one standard for attractiveness. This applies to how you physically look, such as facial features, body weight, body hair, etc., but also applies to how you behave. You should not have to be overly flirty and friendly or hyper sexual in your actions to be attractive. If it isn't natural to you to behave that way, then don't. You're still attractive. Women and men who are super flirty and friendly are also attractive. There is no one way to act that makes you more attractive than others – unless you're like, being a racist dick or something.

6. Sometimes, being an introvert means you dress a certain way. Obviously, not all introverts dress a specific way. But sometimes I dress in a way that reflects the fact that I don't want any social interactions. Or just because it's comfortable. Feminism tells me that it's okay not to dress hyper-feminine, super fancy, or the way everyone else is dressing. Feminism also tells me it is okay to dress that way when I feel like it! I do not feel the need for makeup, doing my hair, or semi-presentable clothing most days. Some days, I don't even feel like getting out of my pajama pants. Whether or not that is a symptom of introversion, I feel supported by feminism when I make those choices.

To sum up, I believe that feminism teaches me that it's okay to be me. Feminism encourages me to do whatever the fuck makes me comfortable in my own skin. As an introvert, I really love feminism!

A feminist review of "Family: Guidebook"

I was really excited this Sunday when we were about to get a new manual. I'm a huge nerd! I like to have new books and new things to read. (And I like the smell and feel of paper ...)

It only took me a few pages to be disappointed by Family: Guidebook, which is published and distributed by the Church.

On page two, the manual talks about the organization of the family. I began to highlight the words used to describe fathers. Fathers "preside," have "power and authority," and "leads." He has strength, power, and authority within the family. His duties are to provide for the material necessities and spiritual needs of the family; to perform priesthood ordinances and remain worthy of holding the priesthood; and guide the family through spiritual activities. I was going to compare my highlighted words with the words they used to describe mothers.

And then we get to the section on mothers:

"The mother is an equal partner and counselor to her husband. She helps him teach their children the laws of God. If there is no father in the home, the mother presides over the family" (page 3).

So while the father gets A FULL PAGE dedicated to his duties and responsibilities, mothers get one paragraph - 3 sentences. Along with that, every single one of those sentences has the father in them as well as the mother. There doesn't even seem to be the tired "mothers are nurturers" bit in there.

I'm happy that they included the "equal partners," but it doesn't seem to be demonstrated in this lesson book. I was really hurt reading this and feeling like mothers somehow didn't matter as much as the men did.

This is followed by another paragraph that combines fathers and mothers. If you are being generous, this brings the total up to 2 shared paragraphs that mothers have dedicated to them.

Why is this important?

Yeah, I know, this seems like a whole lot of a feminist getting upset over something relatively little.

But it is important. When the Church tells me that I am equal to men, that I have just as many duties and responsibilities as them, that I have the same amount of worth and importance, I would like to see them walk the walk and not just talk the talk. I don't feel important when I am regulated to two roles - wife and mother - and then one of those roles is being demonstrated as less important than the male counterpart (fatherhood). I have been told many, many times how important motherhood is -  so why isn't it important in this manual that is supposed to guide how I work within my family?

Yes, this is just one tiny (seriously, it's only 26 pages) manual that are "more like guidelines anyway." But, actually, it really isn't. This is almost every manual, every lesson I have in Sunday School and Relief Society, the way many die-hard Mormons choose to live their lives just because the Church tells them to, and the attitude that has been completely adopted by the Church.

Bonus Round

This is a bonus round because it's been said before and I don't need to go into detail here. But I ABSOLUTELY HATE THE WORD "PRESIDE." A couple cannot be equal and also have one of them presiding at the same time.

(This lovely meme can be found, along with other brilliant ones, on Facebook here. Enjoy!)

Visiting Teaching Message for March

I'm actually really new to visiting teaching. This month has been the first month that I've had good experiences with both the women who come to teach me and the women I go to teach (and teach with. That's a confusing sentence, sorry!). It's been a very good visiting teaching month for me.

But being new to teaching, I mostly kept my mouth shut. For one, even though I felt very strongly about a certain thing, the topic of discussion wasn't going in that direction. For another, I didn't want to spend all day at this woman's house talking about the finer points of what is supposed to be a short thought.

This message for this month can be found here. It's theme is "activation," which centers mostly around service and charity.

I want to start out my thoughts by saying I don't have a problem with the message or with the things the women I spoke to have said about it. All of it was well-meaning when it was said or written, and all of it is a good message.

My companion would read the story about the woman in the bathrobe. I think she may have been the one to say something along the lines of "obviously, we don't have the same problems with people being inactive here." Yes, we live in Utah, specifically in a ward that is mostly made up of BYU students. There probably aren't a lot of inactive members. But I felt odd, sitting right next to her, when I consider myself to be "hactive" (half + active. Yes, I think I'm really funny). Also, most BYU students are probably not going to stay in Utah; many are going to go to states or stakes where there is a much smaller LDS population, and many will be inactive.

So the first thing you should think about when trying to do service for someone who is inactive (or anyone): We never really know who is inactive or why. We don't know who is struggling with their testimonies or not. We don't know why someone hasn't been coming to Church or other activities for a while. Going into a teaching/service moment with any assumptions is going to be a turn-off for whomever is your subject of attention. Going in with lots of questions, compassion, and sympathy will work the best.

There is also this quote by Brigham Young:

“Let us have compassion upon each other, … and let those who can see guide the blind until they can see the way for themselves.”

I think what Brigham Young meant by saying this is that you have to have higher ground before you can pull someone up. You cannot be someone's spiritual guide if you are lacking in testimony or spiritual knowledge. That makes sense.

But I'm still bothered by this quote. I think there are people who see "activation" as being morally superior. This have this attitude of being a savior, of helping a lowly poor person. This view is very condescending, and a huge turn-off for anyone you are trying to help.

For example, when I was a teenager, there was a girl in our Young Women's program who was not active in the Church. She didn't come to very many activities, despite her family being well-known and having been part of the ward for some time. I felt it was my duty to try to talk to her during the few activities she did come to. I didn't really want to, and would rather have spent time with my friends, but I felt like I had to. A few weeks later, I noticed she had part of an Emily Dickinson poem up on her MySpace page. I messaged her, saying something like "Hey! I like Emily Dickinson, too!" This time, I was not trying to communicate with her out of a sense of duty. She messaged me back and said "Stop trying to fellowship me."

I think that was the first time I ever put 2-and-2 together and realized that someone like her, who was a member of the Church, knew that we were told to fellowship, and would recognize my hollow efforts. That time I was being sincere, but she was already turned-off by me.

So the second thing everyone should remember is that we need to actually love the people we serve and have a genuine desire to serve. Blitz attacks of paper hearts and cookies feel impersonal and like pressuring to many less active sisters. A lack of personal effort and trying to get the know the sister can be easily transparent. In those instances, it is probably better for them that you didn't even bother at all. The solution is gentle phone calls, texts, or emails that are not intrusive or pressuring, and that respect the wishes of the sister. If the sister lets you get to know her, you can begin to do real, sincere service that actually reflects her needs.

Those are just some of my thoughts on this great lesson. I'd love to hear what you think about it, or any other thoughts you might have had about March's visiting teaching message.

Righteousness never was attractiveness

I have a lot of LDS friends on Facebook. So when some article comes out saying that BYU is #1 for hots and smarts, it gets reposted 6 bajillion times. (Or just 6).

The article is here. Enjoy. Also, a shout out to BYU Idaho, who rank somewhere. 

Of course, this is annoying, and LDS people frequently need to get over BYU. (That is an issue that has been addressed by Amen Already here. Definitely go check it out because she's pretty funny.) But what bothers me the most is this: 

"Everyone at BYU is very attractive; I've yet to see an ugly person here. Thanks to the honor code, every guy is clean shaven and well groomed (no super long hair) and every girl is dressed modestly (not too much skin). Everyone is very friendly, and it's not uncommon to strike up a conversation with a perfect stranger. BYU is famous for beginning long-lasting relationships and marriages, so dating is greatly encouraged."
Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/colleges-where-students-are-hot-and-smart-2013-3?op=1#ixzz2OBpn6cGw

So everyone at BYU is attractive because they follow the honor code - because they are clean-shaven and don't show too much skin? (You can tell that this was written by BYU students, because very few people in the "secular" world would think not showing skin is attractive.)

Which comes to another idea prevalent in the LDS culture: Being righteous and obedient makes you more attractive.

I'm serious. People really believe this. It's somewhat addressed in another blog post I did on how femininity is viewed in Mormonism (here).

It is perpetuated in this famous story (here):

I recently recalled a historic meeting in Jerusalem about 17 years ago. It was regarding the lease for the land on which the Brigham Young University’s Jerusalem Center for Near Eastern Studies was later built. Before this lease could be signed, President Ezra Taft Benson and Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, then president of Brigham Young University, agreed with the Israeli government on behalf of the Church and the university not to proselyte in Israel. You might wonder why we agreed not to proselyte. We were required to do so in order to get the building permit to build that magnificent building which stands in the historic city of Jerusalem. To our knowledge the Church and BYU have scrupulously and honorably kept that nonproselyting commitment. After the lease had been signed, one of our friends insightfully remarked, “Oh, we know that you are not going to proselyte, but what are you going to do about the light that is in their eyes?” He was referring to our students who were studying in Israel.
What was that light in their eyes which was so obvious to our friend? The Lord Himself gives the answer: “And the light which shineth, which giveth you light, is through him who enlighteneth your eyes, which is the same light that quickeneth your understandings.” Where did that light come from? Again the Lord gives the answer: “I am the true light that lighteth every man that cometh into the world.” The Lord is the true light, “and the Spirit enlighteneth every man through the world, that hearkeneth to the voice of the Spirit.” This light shows in our countenances as well as in our eyes.

I've never seen such a light. (The idea of it "showing in our countenance" sounds Biblical poetry to me.)  For a while, I believed that I can tell Mormons apart from non-Mormons. And to some degree, you can. But being in Utah means everyone adopts the same basic fashion choices, so unless you're tattooed with a neon green mohawk and showing cleavage, it's really not that easy to tell.

As great as being righteous or obedient is, it does not translate into attractiveness. Someone may find them to be attractive traits in another person (especially at BYU!), but that doesn't mean that being righteous or obedient makes you attractive.

I think the problem with this misconception is the shallowness of it all. As Christians, we are not supposed to be concerned with outward appearance as much as we are. It is especially manipulative to constantly be telling young teenagers and college students that they will be attractive if only they are righteous and obedient. Not fair, in my books.

This phenomenon also gives us permission to judge each other. Do you have enough light in your eyes? Are you attractive? No? Then you must also be a disobedient apostate.

It often turns out that this cultural aspect mainly affects women. Sure, you have here that clean-shaved men are more attractive than their bearded counterparts. But there's nothing in our culture that says not having a beard is righteous the same was being modest is. Facial hair does not reflect one's virtue the way modesty supposedly does. This is definitely obvious if you go read my post on femininity!!! Because, as lowly RMs all the way up to lofty apostles have said, a woman is only attractive if she is righteous and doing exactly what the Church culture tells her to do.

How to Talk to a MoFem

With the recent campaigns that have been going on (Pants, Let Women Pray, and now Ordain Women) lots of faithful LDS members seem to have forgotten how to be good christians (lower-case "c" is intentional). I know lots of people who have grown up with the Church a certain way all of their lives are confused about why some LDS women and men are unhappy with the current cultural climate. They wonder how so many people can be discontent with a belief system that has brought them so much joy, peace, and community.

But a lot of them are really terrible at expressing that. So, I have come up with a few guidelines for how to talk to someone who identifies as a Mormon feminist or just someone who supports these campaigns.

I don't know who made this, but it wasn't me, so all credit to that person.

1. Do Not make assumptions about them. Many people approach Mormon feminists with questions of why they want to be a man, why they want to have the priesthood, etc. There are a lot of things wrong with doing this. For one, it's extremely rude. You're forcing the feminist you are talking to to immediately go on the defensive. You're not going to get a good conversation out of this.

Another, you actually have no idea what a particular feminists grievances or goals are. Some Mormon Feminists want women to have the priesthood, some do not. Like general feminism, this is not one organized movement where every member thinks exactly the same. This is a broad spectrum where many feminists are different from one another, though they usually share the common goal of "equality." Equality, however, means different things for different people.

And lastly, quite a few Mormon feminists are men. Assuming that we are a bunch of angry women is discounting the large male population.

2. Do Not use sexist language. For years, women have been called "hysterical," "screeching," "crazy," "overreacting," and more. I saw a woman yesterday wondering why we all "had our panties in a bunch." Again, saying stuff like this is just plain rude and not going to contribute to a polite conversation. It's also being sexist, which is really not helping the problem. (And again, it's also awkward when you are addressing men, even if you don't realize you are.)

3. Do Not bring our testimonies or spirituality into question. So many times I've seen that if only we'd read the scriptures or prayed more, we'd find peace. This is another assumption. People who say this to us are assuming that we haven't prayed or read scriptures about it. Many Mormon feminists have been devout members their entire lives. They hold callings in their regions and raise religious families. Many of them have prayed and studied to find answers. Through a combination of revelation, scripture study, and studying what the prophets have written, they have come to the conclusion that activism is their answer.

Also, many of what the Mormon feminists are working against is not doctrinal. For example, in the Let Women Pray movement, there was no doctrinal foundation for a woman having never said a prayer in General Conference before. This is merely a cultural tradition, or a policy that did not necessarily have spiritual guidance in its creation. When it comes to dismantling cultural norms, I do not believe you need to have the strongest testimony or full activity in the Church.

This also includes not blasting Mormon feminists with scripture quotes or conference talks. Many of them are already aware of what you are trying to share with them. If you honestly are curious about what they think about a specific talk or quote, you may calmly and respectfully ask them. You should not just throw it at them.

4. Do Not tell them that the problem absolutely does not exist. This comes in many forms. There are women who say they are perfectly happy in the Church, so everyone else should be. There are people who like to point out to all the places where the Church/LDS culture excels from a feminist standpoint, so nothing else that goes against that exists. Whether or not you have seen or experienced an inequality or problem that one Mormon feminist sees does not matter. You could live in a great ward where things aren't as bad. You may not have experienced a certain issue that another Mormon feminist has.

5. Do Not tell a Mormon feminist to just leave if they are unhappy. This is not productive, and it is very dismissive of their feelings. People who grow up LDS often find they have a hard time leaving. Many Mormon feminists have a very strong testimony of gospel principles; they also don't want to leave all of the positive parts of the Church behind. Besides which, deciding whether or not to leave or stay is a very personal decision, and one that should not be made by you.

6. Do Not tell a Mormon feminist to "get a sense of humor," "get a life," or to not be so easily offended. Again, just because you think something is a funny joke and not at all offensive doesn't mean it's wrong if someone else does. Just because you think something is a non-issue doesn't mean someone else sees it the same way. These phrases are also very dismissive of someone's feelings. You're also making another assumption - many feminists have senses of humor and very full, enriching lives.

DO:

Listen. This should be really simple, but so many people seem to have forgotten this. Mormon feminism is new to a LOT of people. At first, it may seem contrary to a lot of things you have learn in Church your entire life. It is normal to be confused and to have questions. The best thing to do is to ask a Mormon feminist about it. You can ask them why they feel a certain way. You can ask them what their take is on a particular scripture or conference talk. You can ask them what their personal experiences have been with certain issues. You can ask them what they believe. 

Mormon feminists want their voices to be heard and their thoughts to be shared. You do not have to agree with everything a Mormon feminist says, but you should engage with them in a polite and respectful manner. 

If you have any questions/suggestions about how to talk to a Mormon feminist, please comment. If you have any questions about Mormon feminism, you can also comment, and I will do my best to answer or redirect you to a place with an answer.